Friday, August 05, 2005

I Saw a Really Bad Accident on the L Train This Morning

A FASHION accident, that is.

Oh, honey, honey, honey....where do I begin to count the ways your outfit was just a tragedy? I'm sitting here wishing I had a camera phone so I could have taken a picture to demonstrate to my miniscule audience just what I saw.

The best I can do is describe the conglomeration of crap you were wearing this morning.

First, let me say, I did notice that you were very attractive -- as tall and slender as a model, with a lovely face, pretty hair, and very polite (you actually said "excuse me" to someone you bumped into as you walked by).

Then I got a good look at the outfit.

Interestingly, each piece, taken individually, was relatively inoffensive. But as a conglomerate, it was bad. And not just a little bad. Spectacularly bad. Cher-at-the-Oscars bad.

It didn't start out so bad but got progressively worse from the neck down --

1) A plain grape-colored form-fitting sleeveless top. Good for summer. Okay, nothing wrong so far.
2) A flippy little flowered skirt, one of those that rides a little low, so a teensy bit of your midriff was showing. Okay, you have a great body, you get a pass for that. Here's where the accident occurred, officer...
3) That flippy little flowered skirt was so short it barely covered your ass, which again, was okay, since you have a great figure, why not show it off.
4) Black stockings -- not pantyhose -- with the black garter-top showing below the hem of the skirt.
5) The stockings had seams down the back of the legs. Not just seams, but SILVER seams!
6) Then, on your feet were the high-heeled black floral brocade mary jane type shoes.
7) But I think the last nail in the fashion coffin was the oversized floral tapestry tote bag that looked like something Dame Edna would carry.

All I can say to you and to all those other women watching "Sex and the City" reruns on TBS is this: unless you have Patricia Field personally dressing you in the morning, cut it out. You aren't going to look like Carrie Bradshaw. You are just going to look like you are trying to look like Carrie Bradshaw, and it's just going to look pathetic. Oh, and that Sarah Jessica look is so over, by the way. She's moved on, so should you.

But in a way, your outfit was so bad, it kind of made my day.


At 8/08/2005 1:10 PM, Blogger Schmootzie said...

I don't know about bad, even your description made mine puffy. It is in the eye of the beholder.

Who's Carrie Bradshaw? You don't mean the Steelers quarterback from the 70's, right?


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