Saturday, October 15, 2005

Feeling Rapture-ous!

Okay. I have this theory I'm gonna lay down all over you. Sometimes you just have too much time to think and make up theories.

Like the "God is love. Love is blind. Ergo, Stevie Wonder is God" theorem.

I swear to you these things come to me when I am supposed to be meditating. Oh, did I tell you I invented a new type of meditation? I call it Smoking Meditation. I sit in my big green chair with a cat in my lap, drink coffee, and smoke. I think I will try to sell the concept to Denis Leary. He could use it in a bit.

Need to preface with: I'm not a religious person. I'm a recovering Catlick. Never did get over Sister Kathleen yelling at six-year-old me for getting out of my seat without permission. After that I trained myself to go through the motions of Catholicism. Sit, kneel, stand, open mouth, insert host, recite-recite-recite (I can still repeat the Apostles' Creed whenever I find myself in church. If you asked me to do it anywhere else, I couldn't do it. But something in the waxy incensey smell inside your garden variety Catholic church winds up that trained-monkey part of me). I used to go to confession and make shit up because I honestly didn't believe I was bad. I was a little kid, how bad could I be? Maybe even then I was a Buddhist.

Anyhow, the theory.

You know how the Jeebus Freaks are convinced the Rapture is coming? You know. End Times. Last Days. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera (thanks Yul). When all of the saved will be taken up to Heaven when Jesus returns and the rest of us sinners will be left behind to our fiery damnation.

Well I had a thought.

My friend T observed recently that in the past few years, a whole lot of souls have been leaving the earth in large clusters. In thousands and hundreds-of-thousands chunks. Think plague, natural disaster, man-made disaster...

If you were a religious person, couldn't you maybe posit that Jesus got here already and we just don't know it? And these people who are departing en masse ARE the saved? After all, who said it was going to happen all at once? Maybe Jesus needed to do it in a phased move-out for efficiency's sake.

Of course, the SuperChristianRight won't believe it because of course, everyone knows that Jesus likes white people better than brown people, so the people who died in the tsunami in South Asia and the ones who died in Pakistan and Central America and New Orleans couldn't possibly be who he intended to take, right?

I'm just saying.


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